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I was born hungry. That’s why I’m a 400 lb. man, trapped inside a thin man’s body. Oh sure, I used to be thin and in shape, but somewhere along the line, I found this ever- widening hole inside of me, that all the booze and meaningless flings with crazy, drunken nymphos couldn’t fill.

I turned to the only friend who would never forsake me… What? Are you for real? I’m totally screwing around here, and you wanted a “Lifetime” story? Here’s an idea: Let’s grab our collective manhood, quit watching “Oprah” and “Dr. Phil”, and get cooking!

Chili and macaroni have been coupled together for a long time, but not quite like this.

Hot Wings. ‘Nuff said!

MFO: 8    Who cares? You’re gonna have wings!

These are fun to make and fun to eat, especially if your sister-in -law has a problem with your nephews getting dirty, and ruining their Sunday church going clothes. Well, hello! What do you think is gonna happen at a cookout with me?

First, I’m going to give them all the soda they can drink- have fun on the ride home! Then, I’m going to let them run wild in the back yard, poking at the wasp nest in the tree. Next, I’m going to give them all their very own Super Soakers, but I’m replacing the water with Cool-Aid. Last but not least, I’m going to feed them these wonderfully sticky treats- hope they don’t wipe their greasy little hands on your fake Prada purse! HAHAHA! I’m an evil genius!

MFO: 1 Maybe. Unless you let Jeff in your house, then 8.

I had tried these at a local tapas, and loved them. Unfortunately, I wasn’t on speaking terms with the head chef, whom I discovered was dating my ex, so a recipe was out of the question. Naturally, upon returning home that night, with a belly full of cheap tequilla, and a blackened eye- which I received from that same head chef- I tried to plot my sweet, spicy revenge.

I quickly found out some very important lessons:

1) Don’t try burning things over an open flame when you’re seeing things in triplicate, depth perception becomes somewhat problematic- as my singed arm hairs attested.

2) Never challenge your ex’s new flame in his own place, he’ll typically have the upper hand.

3) It’s best to oil and vinegar the peppers AFTER you roast them- grease fires are nasty and have a habit of spreading quickly.

MFO: 7  Based purely on the inherent  danger of third degree burns.

I love my mother-in-law. No, I really do. She always does nice things for me. Like makes me her awesome potato salad. Well, she doesn’t make it for ME, per say, but she does always make sure there’s a container of it off to the side with my name on it. But there’s a lot of other things, too. Anyway, this deviled egg recipe is one of the best I’ve ever tasted, and even more surprising, it’s totally easy to make.

Dude, this one screams outlandish. This stuff is like seeing your ex- girlfriend at the state fair with some drunken hillbilly, who’s missing all his teeth and drooling. It doesn’t even matter if he’s drooling because he drank too many Milwaukee’s Bests. All that matters is that that lying, self-absorbed, good-for-nothin’ hussy looks foolish babysitting a grown man. Karma is awesome!

MFO: 1? Maybe. Unless you have the hand-eye coordination of a blind, double amputee, there should only be a broiler pan to clean.